7.17.2005

Missing Wendy.

Sometimes I think of her and it just brings down my whole day. Wendy Wiseman was the best friend I ever had, and I totally fucked it up. I write her letters sometimes, telling her how sorry I am and how much I love her and her family. I always end up crumpling them up and throwing them away. Something reminded me of her the other day, and I just haven't been able to shake it. I wish I knew where she lived now...I would send her a letter. We had just about everything in common, really everything. It just fucking kills me that its been 6 years since we last spoke. Six fucking years. I miss her so badly and I hurt inside so much because shes not in my life. Her youngest child...Sydney was about 6 months old when I last saw her. Her son (and my daughter) were 5. I wouldn't recognize either of them if I saw them today. I feel really terrible for being such an awful friend to her. Maybe thats why I kept my distance from people for so long...I didnt want to ever lose another one like that. I've managed to gather a friend or two in the last year or so, but its so hard for me to feel like its ok to really let someone like me. I feel like I don't deserve anyones friendship, whichI know isn't true, we all make mistakes...Its a subconcious thing I think. I'm trying to get over it and move on with my life but its so hard. She really was the most amazing open loving cherished friend I ever had. If I ever find another relationship like that again, I would know for certain, that God was smiling at me. I miss her so badly.

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